too much thinking

I don't sleep anymore.  Not because I'm not tired, I am...I just toss and turn to get comfortable and then, once awake, I think.

Last night I thought about our baby shower and how maybe after that I'll be able to relax a little.  I thought about the hardwood floors and I'm praying we can get them scheduled before we leave for Spring Break.  I thought about a little girl in my arms and was terrified I'm not cut out for this.  I've wanted to start this family and have a little baby to call our child since we got married.  The timing was perfect.  We have been married for almost 5 years.  Not that it's ever perfect, but it's as good as a time as any.  And now that it's here, I'm scared.  I'm afraid of the delivery, I'm afraid of her first cough, I'm afraid she won't eat, I'm afraid there will be something wrong, something missing.  I'm afraid of the day I have to leave her and return back to work.  I'm also afraid she might come out a he...

I'm afraid my dog won't love her.  I'm afraid my dog won't love me (this goes to for my darling cat too).  I know I have a ton of people around me.  No one will let us fail at this.  I have a huge and amazing support system.  I just worry things won't go right.  In my life...things are always a little too interesting.  The beginning of this pregnancy was all too interesting.  I'm afraid of the rearranging of hormones in my body and what that will do to me...again...

I'm excited for life to change.  I would hope it would!  There is another human in our life that we are responsible for.  Nothing will ever.......ever be the same.

I've lived life doing what I want.  I've lived that motto since I was little.  I realize that's not going to happen anymore.  It can't.  I do what she needs.  That's my motto.  What does my daughter need?  and how can I get her what she needs?  I've been quite the selfish girl for so long, I know I can give that up, but let's be honest...it's not going to be the easiest thing I've ever done.  Of course I will do it for her!!! She's my daughter, I'm her mother, my life is now all about her, forever, and ever. 

And this is why I don't sleep.  I can't shut it off.  I have lesson plans to write, things to buy, a house to clean, a budget to keep...and I'm trying to keep it all in order, and keep my life sane, relationships sane, and maybe even myself sane.  And...it's hard. 

It's hard to be a good friend when I can't get my own crap together.  It's hard to be there for other people when I just want to be selfish and worry about me.  Throw myself some sort of pity party.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sooo happy, I just have a lot going on in my head.  Every day goes by faster and faster, each week gets shorter and shorter, and there's so much more to think about, worry about, and I find myself stressing about all the dumb small stuff.

Also - I love chocolate milk!  I'm addicted to it and drink almost 1,000 calories of chocolate milk a day (don't judge).